SHOULD OBAMA WIN: PREDICTIONS
SHOULD BARACK OBAMA WIN THE ELECTION:
I predict that should Obama win the election, the following things will happen. These are my top ten.
1. INTERRACIAL BABY BOOM:
When the press and popular media all chant “OBAMA WINS ELECTION!” then two days later (the Friday night), every girl who has ever suppressed her desire to be with a black man will have the veil of fear lifted. This is not just for African-Americans. This is for any variety of man with African ancestry; Caribbean, Native African, European, you name it. In nine months, the rates of interracial babies born will skyrocket, setting records even after the campaign. That Friday, all men who are interracially curious are advised to haunt dive bars, and small theatre houses. Step into Whole Foods and strike up random conversations. Go and catch a Capitols game and hang out at the Lobby at the E street cinema. Trust me, you’ll want to do this.
2. THE NAME BARACK, WILL BECOME MAINSTREAM.
Before this election, I’ve never heard the name Barack. Most people in or outside the U.S haven’t heard the name either. But like the hundreds of thousands of kids named after popular heroes and iconic figures, the name “Barack” will become a phenomenon unto itself, following the baby boom. Can you imagine Barack Weinstein? Barack Smith and Barack Jones? Yes we can!. The name will become synonymous with power and eloquence, and babies everywhere are going to wish they were named Barack. Also, as a side effect, millions of children will have the milddle name “OBAMA” to offset the Barack phenomenon. It won’t just be Jamal Obama Washington, but Brad Obama Weinwright, and Scott Obama Goldberg. Its going to get crazy at show and tell in the years to come.
3. BARACK WILL APPEAR ON SNL
It might not happen immediately, but somewhere during his 4 year tenure, I’m thinking Barack just MIGHT appear on SNL (as president). Even in a video cameo! Watch for it!
4. THE NAME ‘BARACK’ WILL GET A FEMALE DERIVATIVE
The ladies are going to want to get in on the action too. Barackisha? Barackette? Scary, but we’ll see.
5. LOOK-ALIKE FACTOR
Guys that look like Obama are going to get laid. A lot. These guys will be called “Mr. President” all the time in bed.
6. HIP-HOP
The word ‘Obama’ will replace ‘Crystal’ as the most commonly spoken word in mainstream hip-hop songs. Many rappers will suddenly begin to speak about Obama’s nature, stature and poise, and use this to segue into their own spiels about hoping for change, while describing expensive furs, loose women and the occasional drive-by.
7. MOVIE
There will be a Barack Obama movie in theatres within two years, Starring Will Smith or Don Cheadle in lots of makeup.
8. WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
The popular African-American sex-phrase, “who’s your daddy?’, will be replaced with “who’s your president?” Research will show this will induce orgasms even in the hardiest of women.
9. PHARAPERNALIA
People will start customizing not only their wardrobe with Barack Obama merchandise, but they will own custom vehicles, have wall papers and shrines erected in his honor. There might also be a limited edition lubricant called “B.O Jelly” but It will be quickly pulled off shelves (after selling out all its stock of course).
10. JAMAICA
Elephant man is going to create song based on Barack Obama along with a dance. Hey, a guy can always hope can’t he?
The Flash says “Usain Bolt has potential”
Wally West hasn’t been the same since a fateful accident made him a super hero many years ago. There aren’t many who’ve shared the spotlight with the man popularly known to millions as “The Flash”. He’s enjoyed, fame, success, his share of women, and even a race with Superman. He can run so fast he can actually step into the slipstream of the time/space continuum (whatever that means), but someone, quite recently, hit his radar.
“I was running around Beijing you know, seeing the sights, eating real chinese food, and reading this great new James Patterson novel–all at once of course. ” Wally West said to a MadSickCrazy reporter recently.
“Then I heard all this commotion from my radioset, and sure enough, some guy named Usain Bolt broke the world record.”
At this point West laughed out loud, his barrel chest wiggling with an energy that could fry the average town.
“… they said HE was the fastest man alive! I couldnt’ believe it.”
West begins to make the distinction between the “fastest man alive” and the “fastest man ever.”
“When Usain Bolt can step into the slipstream, he can talk to me.” West says.
He dissappears, and somewhere a rolling thunder echoes. For the moment, it seems the flash is gone. Then another roll of thunder, and a red blur appears, materializing into Wally West.
“And what’s this hubub about him being called “Lightning Bolt”?”
Wally’s face contorts into a tight knot. The flash is pissed.
“Hell, I made the lightning bolt popular! Who the fuck does this Usain bolt think he is! Ever hear the phrase “fast like lightning? That’s me! I created that. You think 9.69 second is fast? Try running thousands of miles and hour in a special pressurized suit to save the world! Take that Mr. Bolt!”
When questioned about about the use of the popular Jamaican food, Yellow Yam to enhance bolts speed. West had one reply:
“Bun Yellow Yam!”
West dissappears again in a blur and the familiar sound of thunder echoes through the sky. Then, he reappears.
“Okay guys, sorry about that. I get carried away sometimes. My moods swing as fast as my dick does when I’m running naked! Hah Haaaa!”
Someone falls to the floor at starts choking. It appears he was hit from behind by some unseen force.
“Sorry about that man! When you slap someone in the back at sub-light speed… well… You get the idea.”
“So anyways, Bolt has potential. Let him make some money from this event, and get the girls and hell, he can even call himself lightning bolt for a little while. But there’ll only be one Flash!”
The red blur dissappears again, and we realize that he’s left too quickly for us to remind him about Flash Gordon. Oh well.
